Getting ready for school in the morning making sure I look nice and presentable for the day. We get in the car and a tingling feeling consumes the ride to school. I feel uneasy as I enter the gates, everyone is here and there not looking at me but it feels as if they are, I get to class and start those 8 hours I have to get through, and the uneasiness settles for now.

The next period rolls around and swarms of people begin exiting their buildings and heading to the next destination. I sometimes get pushed but I learned a way to avoid it, as in the classroom, their eyes all on me for a second. “Breathe in 1..2..3 Breathe out”, something I was taught for anxiety and I found a way to help control it, thoughts begin to fill my head as I sit there trying to pay attention, a battle I face with myself most times in class. I’ve gotten in trouble many times for how unfocused I’ve been but I can’t help it. There are times I can ignore it and times when it ignores me.

I remember that I’m still learning and growing and that those negative thoughts aren’t true. I know I can overcome them and as I do I’m one step closer to being. I know I can’t communicate with people very much but all I can do is try, even though I sometimes get unnoticed. I realize that what I thought high school was gonna be like was completely different from how it is. Everyone is trying to find themselves and figure out what and who they want to become. It is hard to keep yourself motivated while also keeping another person with similar feelings motivated. I do get why some people don’t have time for my conversation but no one understands that at the age of 4 years to 14 years I’ve been alone my whole life.

Mom and Dad are busy working, and siblings have their own lives and get to have fun and experience good times. Being the youngest feels like a never-ending cycle of depression and loneliness. I’m on my healing journey and I’ve realized the sad truth about it, it never goes away, you just grow stronger to be able to carry it. I can’t help but hope one day I’ll finally be able to set myself free and feel the most of myself, be connected with myself, and just feel clear and balanced. I do understand this healing journey won’t be easy and since my little child self didn’t get what she deserved I hope she does soon. I hope everyone heals and gets what they truly deserve.